There is a war going on for my soul
Spoiler alert: God wins
Early today I was in a really bad place. My mind was super foggy and I could barely get a grasp on reality. I’m doing better now but I need to share with you what happened and how my faith is being tested right now.
As you know, for the past 3 weeks I’ve been enrolled in school to become a missionary.
For context, before that I was floating through life, watching as my resources and safety net seemed to be getting smaller and smaller. I was haunted by a feeling of hopelessness and scared about my future. I knew I couldn’t go back to my past relationships or ways of surviving but I didn’t know how to live. I was just so lost and honestly so afraid.
The only comfort I could really feel deep down was from Jesus.
When I truly let go of my last relationship, it was to this missionary base He brought me. And it’s been the greatest blessing (one I can barely even comprehend) being here and getting to know God. It’s not logical necessarily but my whole being was created for this relationship with my Creator and that much is evident.
The only “issue” is my finances. The school costs $3750 for the 3 month lecture-phase. I started with nothing and managed to raise ~ $1300, so that was encouraging but it wasn’t enough. I was praying and many people were praying for me. The deadline came and I still had faith.
When I walked into the auditorium for class 30 minutes early this past Tuesday, my school leader gave me the best news and the answer to my prayers.
She said, “Alyssa you know you don’t owe anything for lecture phase?”
“That’s impossible. I haven’t paid anything yet, but I’ve raised $1300 which I still have to send you.”
“No, look here,” and she show me the school finance sheet and my name wasn’t on the list of students who owe.
I just crumbled and started crying.
“How? Who paid?” I asked through my tears.
“It must have been an anonymous donor. Maybe they want to remain anonymous.”
I was so thankful and the feeling of being covered and able to continue getting to know the Lord was such a blessing. I literally thought of the title of the first book we read for school, “Is That Really You, God?”
Hmmm… Is That Really You, God?
No answer (which I scarcely perceived at the time). This had all the markings of a blessing. My heart was filled with joy, all the staff hugged me, and the future seemed so bright.
The next day at dinnertime, the school leader asked me to meet with her and she gently and very apologetically told me the good news was a mistake, a miscommunication with the finance department. My heart sank.
After our chat, I immediately went up to the roof to seek the Lord’s embrace. It felt like I was thinking of Him but He wasn’t thinking of me.
[Trigger warning] I don’t feel like I was actually suicidal at all, but the enemy definitely put images in my head of me jumping off the roof. Rude. The images had no power because in the name of Jesus, I rebuked them firmly.
There was a war going on for my Spirit.
But here is what I know, God wins. God wins my soul in the end.
I am very much a work in progress but I am assisted by the power of the Holy Spirit, so therefore I cannot fail.
This is the scripture that is coming to me, “Don’t you know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought at a price.”
Yes, in the Bible and even in everyday understanding this verse is about fleeing from sexual immorality but in this moment it is a comfort to know I belong to the Lord fully, inside and out.
Jesus paid the price for me already which is why I now surrender my life to Him. Just imagine… the Father gave His son (his human son Jesus) on the cross for us and then raised Him from death to be seated at His right hand in Heaven. And He made a covenant with us (humanity) that if we have faith in Jesus as our Savior, we too will conquer death and be given everlasting life in Heaven with our original creator. Oh to be reunited with our Godly family in Heaven for the rest of eternity. It explains this constant life-long, longing in my heart.
I gave my life to Jesus when I was baptized recently and His Holy Spirit is fighting for me now! Praise God! I know through all of this, you love me so much. I feel it.
Thank you for reading this and thank you to those of you who already came through with more donations! Thank you for fighting alongside me. This will ultimately grow my faith and strengthen my testimony. Let’s go! C’mon!
Please send your donations so I can stay in school to become a missionary to PayPal.me/AlyssaRoman
Love always wins,
Alyssa